Steve Jobs, “CEO of the Decade”, Talks About His Next Project
This morning, we learned that Fortune magazine named Steve Jobs as its CEO of the Decade. It is a tremendous honor and much deserving to such an individual. His innovation and brilliance has brought us the incredible iPod, iTunes music store, and iPhone. So what did the Apple CEO had to say about all of this? Luckily, Steve himself was kind enough to spend some of his precious time to write an email to LonePlacebo. Here now is the full, unaltered copy of the message:
As you may know, Fortune magazine decided it was time to name me as their “CEO of the Decade.” They cited my stellar contributions in the music, movie, and mobile telephone industries. Those idiots just barely remembered to mention the fact that I had created the iMac as well, though that name could’ve been sooooo much better.
While I agree with such obvious pieces of evidence as being the reason for me winning such a title, I don’t think they exactly hit the mark. I told myself I wouldn’t get too angry about this but, I have worked my friggin’ ass off this past decade, suffering several bouts with weakened health, and you call me the “CEO of the Decade?!?” I SHOULD BE THE “BEST CEO EV-AH!!!” What must I do to receive the necessary recognition I rightfully deserve?
Towards the end of the article (yes, I indeed read it), the foolish author raised the question of what I had in store next. Well, let me tell you this. What I have coming next, will make me GOD in the eyes of everyone. Let me repeat that so it can sink in. I WILL BE GOD. Mere mortals everywhere will bow down to me in my presence. A new world order is coming. Count on it.
So, you must be dying to know my little secret. Don’t worry. You won’t be disappointed one bit. My next project will venture into the world of search engines. That’s right. Big-man in the ‘hood, Google, has a new partner to dance with. Unfortunately for Google, it will be their final dance.
Now, why the hell would I even consider the prospect of competing with the search engine Goliath known as Google? Look as Microsoft, you say. Look at their Bing and Yahoo! mating. There’s barely any room for Mr. Jeeves, what makes you think Apple can jump in and join the love fest? Well, my simple-minded friend, sometimes you just gotta think differently in life.
Let me get this point across. I respect Google. They do a lot of good things. Really, they do. But with search, they have fallen flat on their face. Yes, that is an outrageous statement. But what is even more outrageous is the fact that when I googled “Why is Steve Jobs so damn sexy?” every single result sent me to various articles stating how “smart” and “innovative” I was. What the hell, Google?!? Are you trying to ruin my chances of getting in bed with all chicks in the world or something? Simply intolerable. Google needed to be punished.
Taking a look at Google’s sacred search engine algorithm (yes, I was able to hack into it), I found a complete and utter mess. It looked like some high school programmer had created it. A piece of garbage. But I knew what I needed to do.
Over those next couple of months, I worked meticulously to perfect my search engine baby. Today, it is complete. I call it, the iKnow. The thing that separates the iKnow from Google, is that it literally knows everything about you and all of mankind’s knowledge. Quite an impressive statement? I understand. But do you really want to know how it is possible? Well, don’t ask the iKnow.
Utilizing the iKnow, you will be capable of entering any question and receiving an instantaneous response. Sounds too much like Google? Not even close. The iKnow, like I said previously, knows everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Heck, it told me who really killed President Kennedy. Besides being such a know-it-all, the iKnow can personalize each question suited for each particular user. Here, let me explain it in terms comprehensible for your second-grade level brain: If you asked the iKnow what your chances of dating Jessica Alba in the future, it will tell you the answer. If you asked the iKnow if you asked 100 girls to go out with you and how many of them would say yes, the iKnow would know. This above-godly “machine” is literally a time machine, if you know what I mean.
You must be screaming at your Mac’s lovely screen wondering how I, CEO of “the Decade,” could possibly create such a product. Like I have said every single day since I was able to speak, “What I touch, becomes not gold, not diamonds, but magic.”
I would seriously love to divulge to you all the wonderful details of the revolutionary iKnow, but I urgently need to ask it myself why I’m so damn sexy. Believe me, that will be the first question you ask it the first time you use it. Until next time, LonePlacebo.
P.S. Remember to refer to me as GOD the next time, alright? Thanks.
Steve Jobs, aka GOD